lights will guide you home, and ignite your bone..

Were searching for medical mnemonics and stumbled upon:

• LOL Little old lady
• GDFO Got drunk, fell over
• TTFO Told to fuck off
• FLK Funny looking kid
• NFN Normal for Norfolk
• ERCP Emergency retrospective clerking of patient
• TUBE Totally unnecessary breast examination

Had only known the first one!

A recent incident got me thinking.

So, we grew up. We got more in touch with our personality, our strengths, our weaknesses, our likes, our dislikes, our fears, our desires... We also got more in touch with our inner insecurity.

When I was younger, I was bold, strong-headed, a freedom-fighter. With the conditioning of 'the real world', mistakes, parental advice, I, like many of us, became much more cautious. The cautiousness both protects and hinders. I no longer fearlessly, spontaneously put myself forward. Self confidence derived from becoming comfortable with myself, dancing, and having a group of supportive friends is sometimes not enough to override that inner insecurity, that doubt - that what if, what if something goes wrong; what if, it isn't as good as I want it to be.

When we were kids, we had that little cockiness and 'pride' because we had not known what was out there. Then we grew up, we have found out we are hardly a grain in this universe, and we have seen for ourselves things that are grander than we could ever imagine, people that are more intelligent that we could ever be. Yet, there is this blind pride that never goes away. That stubborn little thing that both keeps our chin up and tangles our foot. I see it as a self-defence mechanism to our private insecurity, known only to ourselves. Perhaps, it is exactly this unlikely paradox between pride and insecurity that keeps us afloat in this mad world, to stay centre and balanced, and to keep the quest for truth and sense going.

I lied. I don't like growing up. 

I love walking into and getting lost in bookshops, stationery shops, art shops... There is something about them that make you feel empowered to create and to explore. Walking through the stores, you feel creative and free, imagining all the books you want to read, all the knowledge you want to master, and all the art pieces you can make. But I also like shoes shops (o the shoes...) and boutiques. At the risk of sounding like I am defending my shopaholic tendency, I have come to the conclusion that shopping in many ways explore and unleash your creativity. Being an Aestheticist (as all who love fashion would be), shopping is not merely running slave for fashion. It is the imagination of the outfits you can put together, the looks, the styles you can achieve with each piece you touch or set your eyes on. Or maybe that is precisely Consumerism. The offer of choices, the promise of creativity, and the prospect of developing an individual style and look that is uniquely yours. Coupled with the mortal weaknesses of instant gratification and the desire to own, and voila! So maybe I am a slave to Consumerism afterall.

More than 100 sex offenders are missing in London, the BBC can reveal.

Following a Freedom of Information (FoI) request, the Metropolitan Police said 112 registered sex offenders were "currently recorded missing".

Their offences may range from indecent assaults to serious child abuse, BBC London was told.

The Met said most sex offenders were found within two weeks of going missing while "every effort" was made to find those who did not make contact.

'Very disturbing'

But the force insisted there would be an automatic heightened risk until they were located.

Claude Knights, from the national children's charity Kidscape, "It is, I think, very very disturbing to know that there are over 100 sex offenders out there, loose and we don't know where they are."

But the Met said missing sex offenders had not all necessarily gone underground.

They may simply have moved house and forgotten to tell the authorities of their new address.

"I think the public can be assured that as soon as someone goes missing we take every step to find them," said Commander Mark Simmonds.

"The vast majority are missing only for a period of between seven and 10 days and we know a significant number of those are abroad."

There are 3,700 sex offenders registered in London.

BBC.co.uk

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"There are 3,700 sex offenders registered in London."

Just find it hilarious. Like, there are N doctors registered with the GMC; there are N barristers registered in London; and guess what, there are 3,700 sex offenders registered in London too... what a job!

A heavily pregnant woman went into labour and gave birth after she was attacked by muggers in a London street.

Two men on bicycles rode up to the woman and forced her to the ground as she walked through Camden.

They stole her jewellery and fled but their 30-year-old victim, although unhurt, went into labour.

She was taken to hospital and gave birth. Mother and child are said by police to be doing well following the attack on Thursday.

The suspects are described as black men aged between 17 and 20 who fled in the direction of Swiss Cottage, leaving one of the bicycles behind.

BBC.co.uk 29/11/08

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This is appalling. As are the killings and terrorism in Mumbai. And the bombing in Baghdad. And the millions of people abused, tortured, raped, kidnapped, killed each day. From time to time we wonder - why? One cannot blame one's socio-political situation that 'pushes' oneself into act of terrorism or violence. Surely a part inside would be struggling to shout "stop" before one hits a child, or rapes a pregnant woman, or drops a bomb on civilians? Or am I getting it completely wrong? Isn't conscience a universal property or is it a graded, priviledged attribute that by chance, you are either born with it or you aren't? I still believe in the goodness of Man and the innate innocence. But why are there so many misled souls who have got it completely wrong and resort to terrorism and violence just to prove a point? God save them.

Been ill for too long! Flu, cough and cold that wouldn't leave. Am finally feeling better and hopefully recovering for the last time, and not fall ill again like so many times in the past month.

Why do sales exist? And online shops are evil. I am so vulnerable. Such torture when your mind knows better and tries its best to curb those cravings.

Have decided I really want a black wool coat and a pair of black, preferably lace-up, leather high boots. They would be good investments. I know it.

Awesomeness

And this, though not black, is very tempting too.....


Boots boots boots boots...

Awwww.. so nice.

Delayed gratification.

I am currently on my 4-week General Psychiatry placement, after 4 weeks of Specialist Psychiatry at the beautiful Cardinal Clinic in Windsor and 4 weeks of Neurology at Queen Square. I must say, I am really interested in Psychiatry - more so the psychological aspect of it. Understanding and dealing with the mind has always been in my interest and I have even considered studying Psychology if not for Medicine. From my first 4 weeks of placement at the beginning of the year, I realized I may potentially be quite good at this field, being able to engage the patients very well and getting them to open up very readily. But when asked whether I would consider Psychiatry as a specialty in the future, I cast my doubts as I find it too emotionally involving and taxing for me, especially if I have to do it for life. It is not yet ruled out but I am definitely keeping my options and eyes open. That said, I know at the back of my mind there is still something that is deterring me from completely committing to Psychiatry and I have not been able to put words to it until today.

I was chatting with flatmate Holly who is equally interested in Psychiatry and we were discussing about disturbing stories in the news about rape and child abuse. We have concluded that, as judgmental as it sounds, some people should not be allowed to have children. Earlier in the day I had a session with the Community Mental Health Team and as much as sitting through 4 hours of meetings does not sound appealing at all, it did trigger some thoughts in my head when they were discussing about this apparently schizophrenic lady who spends most of her adult life in prison because of getting into trouble with the law on various occasions. And when she is out of the prison, she is either in hospital or doing other mad things that get her into trouble again. The team was highlighting the benefits (for her mentally and physically) of her being in prison. Given that so many prisoners have mental health problems, I was just sitting there wondering, why are we keeping all of them there? I am not addressing the humanitarian issue of whether they should be in mental health treatment centre instead but rather as a big picture in the society, what good are we doing expending taxpayers' money feeding and providing for them in prison?

So many of those rape criminals and those who have committed seriously violent crimes are defended by their mental illnesses. As much as I appreciate that things do go wrong in our brains, I am sorry but if I were raped, I am not going to forgive someone because he was mentally ill and he was plainly acting primitively or obeying voices in his head. It clearly crosses the line when one's mental health problems are manifested onto other people's lives and worse still, leave an irreversible damage or scar. I can't help but wonder, what good is Psychiatry and the wonders of today's medicine, defying natural selection and creating disease labels as defences, when centuries or even decades ago, such mishaps would have been eliminated by death or persecution. At the risk of sounding heartlessly fascist, many of these "deviant" behaviours (apologies for political incorrectness) would have been arguably rightly removed from the society and their opportunities to propagate would have perished together. Who am I to judge they are deviant and unworthy, but I do feel by classifying them into disease group, seemingly treating their symptoms and prolonging their existence in the world may not be as good an idea as it seems, pretty much like keeping someone who would not otherwise be breathing on his own on a ventilator for long.

Fellow medical student Azara pointed out today that Psychiatry is all about hypothesis and not diagnosis. Psychiatrists hypothesize and give treatment and if the treatment works that becomes the diagnosis. That may be exaggerating things a little bit. But it does make me realize how wishy-washy Psychiatry can be. It is very well because of the nature of this field - dealing with the mind which is so intangible almost makes it impossible to pin down things. But I am not entirely convinced by many diagnoses even. For a start, "Clinical Depression". Be it the level of serontonin or noradrenaline, the mechanism of how exactly SSRIs improve symptoms is not entirely clear and they work differently on different patients. As much as I appreciate that physiological changes play a part, I cannot disregard my belief that "it is all in the mind". I am a strong believer of that you can do so much with your mind - just changing mindsets, changing attitudes... The concept of "motivation" and level of neurotransmitters is merely a chicken-and-egg thing as opposed to the latter being the cause. Especially when doctors and psychiatrists already acknowledge somatisation and that the mind can "create" symptoms in the body, I am not buying the different disease labels just so someone can rest on them and push the blame on them. I do understand a lot of people have benefited hugely from the use of Prozac and being treated for clinical depression has changed their lives dramatically, and I am not against treating patients with depression etc, but I am just still not convinced that the labelling and the pharmacology are really what we need.

After all, I am still very intrigued by Psychiatry but until I have resolved my doubts and skepticism, I shall look forward to being inspired by Obs & Gynae and Paediatrics. But before that, let me do well in my psych and neuro exams!!!!!!!!!!

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life